Everybody Talkin’ ‘Bout Love Ain’t Lovin’

Olive Wilkinson. Trowel and Sword. November 1971

Preamble: What is love? There are times when I/we think we know exactly what love is and other times when I/we haven’t got the faintest idea. Case in point – a man who might say to his wife (or vice versa), “I love you but I don’t like you much right now”. How is that even possible? It probably isn’t possible if your only idea of love is warm fuzzy feelings for your partner. When those warm fuzzy feelings subside, so does your love. But is that all there is to love? Olive Wilkinson says no. There is so much more. In this article she sets out to explore the differences between ‘maternal’ and ‘paternal’ love. Read on.

Everybody Talkin’ ‘Bout Love Ain’t Lovin’

One almost fears to talk about that greatly-bandied-about word “love”, for most of us have become so familiar with it, switch off, or at best, nod intellectual assent when we hear it. In some of the churches, the whole message of “love” has become rather sickly and one suspects that many people who are earnestly urging “love and relationship” are perhaps not so good at lovin’as they sound (myself, included). Seriously, though, the more we are urged along the road of love, the more Studdert Kennedy’s words come to mind; “Weak tea, cold slops, cold leg of lamb without mint sauce!”

Why is it that the word which Jesus used in the second commandment has somehow lost its strength? R.L. Katz clarifies what has been happening in modern religion in these words; “There is in tradition an emphasis on the value of unconditional love, of support and of consolation. These values which might be called maternal are closely linked with the care of the sick, the protection of the weak and the indulgence of the dependent. But religion speaks of a parallel set of values which might be called paternal. These deal with the life of the individual in the community, with his responsibilities, his relationships and his commitments”. The maternal view of love appears to be emphasised in present religion at the expense of the paternal view. Parents know that both have to be present in the training of children. Without the basic needs for love and dependence having been met, the basis of personality is missing; but on the other hand, without the teaching of responsibility and all that that involves we get a personality which is characterised by ego-centricity and self-indulgence.

Taking up Katz’s comments on the need for paternal love to be restored to its rightful place in life and living, O. Hobart Mower, a psychologist who has gained renown through his emphasising the aspect of moral responsibility in personality growth and relationships, adds that he is convinced that “the typical ‘neurotic’ of today, (and let’s face it, we all have our own peculiar neurosis) is not so much in need of unconditional motherly love and acceptance, as of a clearer sense of duty and obligation, which is a way of manifesting love – and, ultimately, receiving it in the only mature way possible, which is to say, by deserving it.” These are strong words and perhaps better applied and appropriated to ourselves than to the other person if we are to avoid the pitfall of becoming judgemental or unloving. As soon as I say that, I want to qualify it, too, by adding that sometimes we insult our friends by not expecting enough of them, by being too accepting!

Within the Christian circle there are many of us who are having real troubles about being loving. Perhaps it is not overstating the case to say that as a fellowship we reflect in our interchange with one another the same kind of conflicts and difficulties we have about being “loving in every other aspect of life. Here, we cannot avoid looking at the quality of our home life, for the things that happen there will colour every other part of our life and living; in fact our family life has a direct bearing on the family life of the Church. .. (No wonder that fellowships are such mixed affairs!).

Granted that maternal love must pervade the family, let us have a fresh look at those values which Katz says belong to the realm of paternal love; responsibility, relationship and commitment, as they are seen in family life. A stock-taking inventory for the family, based on these values might read something like this: “How much trouble do I really take to know and reach out to my partner?” How much do I really care about his or her personality and spiritual growth?”; “Do I help or hinder?”; “Does our love spill over in mutual concern for the children?”; “Are the children safe in our love or have they an uneasy feeling that all is not well?” “Does our home welcome others, reach out in fellowship to other married couples, singles, children?” It’s so easy to be self-contained: “Us four, no more, close the door!”

Because I believe that Christian Fellowship is based on what happens in our more intimate family relationships and the maternal and paternal aspects of love expressed there, let us look at what happens between husband and wife and parents and children. It is not uncommon that even in Christian homes husband and wife have ceased to have any real enjoyment in each other. The spontaneous giving and sharing of early marriage has been replaced by separateness. Perhaps there have been times of disagreement where hurt feelings have been dealt with by withdrawal, or by increased criticism, both ways of erecting protective barriers and setting up walls of separation. The only way of breaking down the walls is to courageously lower the defences. Jesus said, “Give and it shall be given unto you”. This paradox is set firmly in the centre of every vital relationship.

Cecil Osborne in “The Art of Understanding Your Mate”, says that we all carry over immature longings from our childhood. He lists these longings as, 

(a) A conscious or unconscious desire to have all of our needs met; 

(b) We want to control or change those about us so that they will meet these needs; 

(c) We all yearn for unconditional love. 

He maintains that a marriage can only be successful in so far as we replace these immature desires with more adult attitudes. These are:

(a) Instead of demanding that all of my needs be met, I will seek to meet the valid needs of my marriage partner. (For instance, a woman needs to be reassured freely that she is loved and valued for herself, and time and trouble must be taken to translate these sentiments into making the routine and isolation of the daily housework a little lighter. What about a meal out, sometimes? It only makes you appreciate her cooking more! A man, just as much as a woman, needs to be built up as a person of worth, to be shown consideration, too. Neither party ever appreciates criticism!);

(b) Rather than trying to change others, I will recognise that I cannot change anyone else. I can change only myself, and when I change, others tend – in time – to change in relation to me!

(c) Instead of expecting unconditional love, I will face the fact that no one can give this kind of limitless love consistently. I will love rather than demand or expect it, believing that love begets love. Here, I would like to say that acting in a loving way often precedes feeling loving. Don’t wait until you feel loving or you may never get started!

It sounds simple, doesn’t it? All it needs is the will and commitment and a bit of help from your partner!

Some of us are just learning what real loving involves; others of us have come through many ups and downs but have won through to a deep contentment and enjoyment of each other. Could those who are more experienced share with the less experienced? It always helps a fellowship when its members can share with each other out of the depths of their experience.

Ultimately, as Christians, we have a great High Priest who has Himself been touched by the feelings of our infirmities and knows how frail we are; yet, He stands as the great example of disciplined, sacrificial loving and we are called to follow in His steps. There is nothing weak about His love; it is characterised by unwavering responsibility and commitment. It is from His example that we must learn to help each other.

OLIVE WILKINSON*

*Olive Wilkinson was the wife of Tom Wilkinson, professor at the Reformed Theological College for 17 years. Olive worked as a counsellor and regularly lectured students at RTC on psychology, mental health and welfare, relationships and pastoral counselling.

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