What Marriage Does Not Give

John Haartsen. Trowel & Sword, Jan/Feb 1985

Preamble: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15). This verse came to mind as I read through this article from John Haartsen on marriage breakdowns, particularly between Christian men and women. As in all of life’s experiences there is an enormous gap between knowing and doing. As John points out the simple statement that “Christ is the answer”, while true, is not the antidote for failed marriages, as a statistical analysis of broken marriages in Christian homes shows. It does however give a starting point of where to look for answers.

What Marriage Does Not Give

“Don’t expect from marriage that which you can only get from God.”

I heard this statement when John Smith was speaking at the Mt. Evelyn Reformed Church outreach mission. It reminded me of another statement from a leading secular marriage counsellor: “One of the main reasons for marriage breakdown is that people look for, and expect their marriage to fulfil their needs. When their needs are thus not met the marriage fails.” Now for the christian the answer for help and healing with the struggles, strains and breakdowns of the marriage relationship is, at first glance, obvious: Christ is the answer. I don’t think there is ever a truer word spoken. Yes, Christ is the answer to all our problems, also our relationship problems.

Yet, something is not quite clear. Why are there so many marriage hassles and breakdowns among christians? There are the obvious cases where the marriage is shattered, with the hurt and damage to all involved. Then there are the couples who are struggling and hurting, only known to close friends and maybe some relatives.

How surprised we would be if we could lift the cover and peep behind the facade of respectable christian marriages. Would we not discover a whole range of hurts, disappointments, conflicts and even indifference? Husbands and wives, who are to be as one, yet living miles apart emotionally and spiritually. Is the problem one of just plain disobedience, lack of faith or lack of understanding?

Probably we would find elements of all three and it would vary from case to case. Yet, I believe that lack of understanding is a major contributor. Lack of understanding God’s word, ourselves, our partner, and marriage itself. One wonders also if we as christians have failed to understand the extreme and destructive pressures which western society is bringing to bear on the marriage relationship.

The world around us shouts: “Find fulfilment for your needs, focus on yourself!” That’s nothing new; mankind has always focused on its own needs and unfortunately christians too, have been smitten with that same curse. So what’s different now? Well, I believe that the focus is now on a different area of our needs. It has progressed from attention on the physical needs, to our emotional needs.

Maybe we can have a quick look at what man’s basic needs are. Abraham Maslow’s classical needs hierarchy suggests that we have five basic needs and that the lowest one must be met before a person seeks to meet the next one. They are:

1.  Physical, e.g. food, water, shelter.

2.  Physical security, reasonable confidence that our physical needs will be supplied for in the foreseeable future.

3.  Love and security, to be wanted and appreciated.

4.  Purpose, to feel significant and worthwhile.

5.  Self-actualisation, to develop into a full, creative, self-expressing, giving person.

The christian knows from God’s word that Christ meets all these needs but the question is: do we really believe that? Let us spend a few moments looking at some well known Scripture verses to confirm the basis for our faith that Christ does indeed supply all our needs.

God has met our physical needs:

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things (food, clothing, shelter, etc.) will be given to you as well.” (Matt. 6:33).

God cares for tomorrow’s physical needs:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow.” (Matt. 6:34); “Do not be anxious about anything; but in everything… present your requests to God… my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6, 19).

God has met our need for love and security:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? … I am convinced that … nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom. 8:35, 39). “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners (at our worst; as only He can see us), Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8).

God has met our need for significance and purpose:

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Phil. 1:21); “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Eph. 2:10)

Now it depends on the degree of our faith in these promises that frees us from a self-centred concern with our own needs, enabling us to move on to the higher need of self-actualising, the giving of ourselves without demanding returns, i.e. to focus on the needs of others. This need is so beautifully expressed in the mother-child relationship. In this need also we are not left to our own. Christ says clearly that our highest goal is to serve Him; we do that, by the giving of ourselves. This is my commandment, that you love one another. In Christ’s power we can do so; He gives us that power as a possession. All that remains for us is to reach out and possess that possession. But how does all this relate to the marriage and the breakdown of this relationship?

Let us have a look at the ladder of needs and see where we are at. The first one (food and shelter, etc. for today) is in our situation no problem, and we can also go to sleep knowing that our physical future looks reasonably secure. All these provisions are from God, but often taken for granted. Now we come to our problem areas, that of being appreciated, being secure emotionally and feeling significant. It is in these areas that many turn to their marriage to find fulfilment, instead of turning to Christ. It must be said, of course, that God did decree marriage for the partners to sustain and enrich each other and that includes supplying for each other’s emotional needs. The problem arises when marriage becomes a unit on its own, or even worse, two units on their own. Allow me to explain what mean.

The world teaches (sometimes subtly, sometimes boldly) that a marriage is two units, a man and a woman who form a union so as to derive personal benefits from their mutual involvement, or to say it simply, seeking to have one’s own needs met. Also, in many christian marriages this attitude is often present especially in the areas of security, appreciation and significance. Now everyone, including christians, must feel and be secure, must feel and be appreciated and must feel and be significant, if they are to be able to give of themselves. Here again, the degree of being able to give depends on the degree of these needs being met. But don’t look to receive from your marriage that which only God can give you.

An every day example.

The wife needs to feel secure and significant (though she is often unaware of that need). She looks for it in praise and affection from her husband. He should make her feel special. He has to understand her and appreciate her just as she is. She has her own fixed ideas as to how he should treat her and how he should be: like herself, affectionate, subjective, emotional, expressive, etc. But this particular husband can’t meet these demands. He is not affectionate, unemotional, objective, rational, and so down-right practical (you can turn these roles around, if you like). The husband too has his need for security and significance, and he tries to find it in the responses of his wife. She doesn’t understand the things he finds so difficult to share with her, she takes no interest in him as a person, she over-rules his decisions, etc. And so frustration sets in with resentment and confrontation.

Both or one of them feel more insignificant and insecure, their self-esteem deteriorates, they start attacking and destroying each other, themselves and their marriage, leading to bitterness and sometimes escape. Surely the couple in our example had every intention of having a sound christian marriage. Their intentions were good but their approach failed. For people, all have shortcomings and nobody steps into marriage as a blank page. We all have a past with an inherited and formed character affected by events remembered and forgotten.

No woman can ever completely fulfil a man, only Christ can. No man can ever completely fulfil a woman, only Christ can.

Our need for security demands that we are unconditionally loved, accepted and cared for, now and forever. No human can give such a security, but the christian knows that Christ can and does. He knows that Christ has seen him at his worst and still loves him to the point of giving His life so that he is perfect and secure with Him. That kind of love we can never lose. We are completely acceptable to Him, regardless of our behaviour. We are not under pressure to earn or keep His love. Our acceptability to God depends only on Christ’s acceptability to God. As christians we know that Christ loves us, really loves us just as we are; no conditions! He loves us so personally that He knows us by name and nothing can separate us from His love, nothing at all.

As these facts become a reality in our thinking we discover that Christ gives us that security and significance we crave for. He also gives us the ability to increase and improve in the purpose He has for us, to love, affirm and to give, starting with our partner. Instead of using our marriage to find that which only God can give us, we can start using our marriage to fulfil its true purpose, and that is to enrich, encourage, comfort, praise, guide, strengthen and delight the spouse God has given us. Wonderful things happen in a marriage when the focus is drawn away from ourselves and directed towards pleasing our spouse; when the negative destructive approach is replaced with a positive one.

It’s only when we give that we truly receive.

Yes, this is also true if only one of the couple implements this surrendering and giving. There is also the marriage which is a unit on its own, two people concentrating on each other’s needs, striving to become as one. This is a truly biblical concept and surely this is the way God intended it to be, as we can clearly see in Gen. 2, etc. It’s a rewarding marriage, yet nevertheless incomplete, because of the fall of man into sin. Before the fall into sin it was natural for man to serve God. But now we need a reference point outside of ourselves, namely Christ. We must direct our focus on serving Him, especially in and with our marriage.

So the christian marriage is like a triangle, two people directed towards a common goal and purpose, that of serving Christ and thus growing towards each other. Marriage is not primarily instituted by God to make two people happy but its prime purpose is to serve Christ within the concepts of our marriage. Only a marriage relationship which strives for that purpose, will have contented and secure people. So then, let us not expect from marriage that which only God can give us.

John Haartsen

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