Bill Peet. Trowel and Sword, January/February 1977
Preamble: What is our greatest wish for our sons and daughters? Undoubtedly it is for them to grow into Christian men and women who love and serve the Lord. But this doesn’t happen by us just wishing it, or praying for it, or taking them to church when they are young, or sending them to a Christian school; although these things all help. It requires an investment of our time and effort. In this article Bill Peet give some sound advice to parents on how to help sons, and daughters, grow in the Lord. Advice which, by the way, is equally valid for grandparents.
On Bridges To Sons
As a boy matures he is constantly struggling with some very basic questions: “Who am I?”, trying to identify himself; “why am here?”, searching for a purpose in life; “what is it like to be an adult?”, early awareness of his future responsibilities.
Apart from these, the boy growing up in a Christian environment will ask himself further questions: “Why do my parents believe?”, a reason for their faith; “who is God?”, need to identify this influence on his parents; “What is God to me?”, a growing awareness of the need for a personal relationship with God.
The answers to these questions come from many sources. The way in which they will be answered will partly depend upon the way that other people have influenced the boy. Any person who comes into contact with the boy will leave an impression on him, parents, teachers, the football coach or even parents of friends; and, we hope, the Cadet counsellor.
In Christian circles we pray that with all these different factors placed before the boy he will be aware that he will not only have to answer life’s questions, but he will also have to answer THE question of life; and observing the actions of adults will help shape the mind of the enquiring boy. If parents are slack in their church attendance how often will the young one attend? If they misuse their God given talents, how can they expect their young one to be a responsible individual? If they practice Christianity on Sunday only, why should they expect him to grow up with a continual awareness of the presence of Christ?
“When some special skill or characteristic is noted in both parent and child it is likely that the potentiality for the skill or the characteristic was transmitted to the child and that a favourable environment and opportunities such as watching his parents, or playing alongside them produces the ‘Phenotype'”; Observance characteristics, from “An Introduction to Human Development” by K. Lovell, Macmillan Press.
There is also another extreme. of which we are not aware viz. that often as active Christians we are over-active, and leave no time for the children at home. How often do we tell the children that we love Jesus? From working amongst the lads we often get the feeling that the usual activities of Bible reading and prayer are carried out formally, but ask how often their parents relate to them of their personal faith, and the answer is a big “NEVER” or maybe “ONCE A MONTH”.
But it is not only in the Christian home that the personal relationship between parent and child is neglected.
Upon reading an editorial in the Sydney “Daily Telegraph” some time ago, it struck me how right the editor was:
“It is an opportune time (school holidays) for every mum and dad, every son and daughter to take stock. Australia’s greatest resource is its children, and its wealth lies in a meaningful, responsible relationship between parents and offspring. It is a sad legacy of today’s mounting economic pressures that many parents, either by choice or necessity, have defaulted their basic responsibilities to leave their children to shape their lives around pop records and television crackle. Rarely does mother or father in the hurly burly of today’s world sit on the edge of the child’s bed and any say these three beautiful words “I love you”. (Or, how often do we say God loves you, B.P.) Love between parent and child is taken for granted, and therein lies the tragedy of the so-called generation gap. Children have to be assured, they take nothing for granted. If they are brushed aside by parents too selfish or tired to be bothered, it is only natural that they will turn elsewhere.”
Over 2000 years ago Socrates complained about a generation gap. He was disturbed by youth’s rebelliousness, theio disregard for conventions and manners, the way they dressed, and the way they “tyrannised” their parents. It makes one wonder, have there always been walls of misunderstanding between youth and adults? Is our difficulty in communicating with the young people today simply the normal, more or less necessary, reflection of the way things “have always been”.
In a sense each new generation is a fresh one. Growing up in a culture it inherited rather shaped, critical and demanding as it struggles with the responsibility maturity must bring. in that sense Solomon’s weary reflection that there is “nothing new under the sun”, (Ecc. 1:9), is very true.
As this gap then seems to exist, should Christian parents forget their God given responsibility, and just fail to communicate? Or should they continually strive to build bridges across the gap s that, when that son or daughter wants or needs to communicate, the bridge has already been established.
To help parents to build bridges to their boys more effectively, the Christian Cadet Corps publishes a top quality periodical. “Cadet Journal” is written for boys aged 9 to 14. Six times a year this magazine goes into a boy’s home, carrying the message you want him to hear in a variety of ways. But some T & S readers may know other boys that need this kind of Christian influence. Why not send them a gift subscription of the Cadet Journal? This magazine can become an effective tool for you in developing new bridges as you talk with, work with, and play with boys you know.
In ‘Understanding And Reaching Boys’, a new Cadet Counsellor aid, time is spent on this very subject. Here is a quote: “Nearly fourteen years ago I asked a man, whose Biblical ministry I had admired: ‘What advice do you have for me, a young man just getting started in the pastorate? Deliberately and in a tone betraying his sorrow, he replied ‘Spend time with your son’. The sense of failure to his son overshadowed all the expressions of gratitude from those benefiting from his ministry. “I was so busy seeking to succeed as a minister that I failed as a father”.
What can a Christian father do with his sons? Firstly, he can pray with each son. Each child needs its father in a special way. You may have other children, but he has only one father. Recognise him as an individual. Pray with him and for him about things that interest him. He needs to know and feel you are with him. Mention his name when you pray, and sometimes ask him to pray for his Dad. This may do more for you than for him, but you both need it. Do not take love for granted.
Secondly, invite him to do things with you. You may say “but that is the key issue, I am away such a lot and just do not have enough time”. How much is enough? Begin with the time you do have. Doing things with him, not necessarily for him, is the answer.
Further, establish priorities with him. Discuss his ideas and needs. These change as he matures. Going camping with his father may be one of his greatest ambitions.
Also; be open and honest with your son; be real; be yourself; admit failure. If you have wronged your son, ask for his forgiveness. He does not need a father who does no wrong, he needs a father who deals squarely with his weaknesses. Encourage your son. Seek to develop a positive attitude toward him. Say something complimentary to him each day. The one thing in ten he does wrong usually receives more recognition that the nine he does right. Praise promotes wholesome personality development, while criticism leads to a loss of self esteem.
Then, discipline him when he disobeys. You have no choice in this if you are obedient to the Lord. Both parents are responsible to God to teach him obedience.
And surely you are to share Jesus Christ with him. Ask him directly about his relationship to Jesus. Do not take his salvation for granted. Be alert for opportunities to read the Bible and discuss spiritual things together, just the two of you. Be a father, not just his mother’s husband. Since you are away at work much of the time he spends more time with his mother; and when you are all together be all there. Finally, be the man you want him to become. You have no right to expect God to make your son something you do not have the faith to believe He can make you. Your spiritual leadership in the home, love and respect for your wife, and concern for each child, will be the greatest heritage you give him.
Can we, along with Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians say: “Be imitators of me, as am in Christ”, (1 Cor. 11:1)? Could you as a father ask your son to “join in following my example, and observe those who walk according to the pattern you have in us”? (Phillip 3:17) Can you honestly ask your son to “put into practice all you learned from me and saw me doing”‘, (Phillip. 4:9)?
I remember quite clearly a sign that was placed on the back of a bakery, facing the railway tracks. I travelled that journey to Sydney for over five years, yet nearly every day that sign caught my attention. “What you eat today, walks and talks tomorrow”. Is that not just “spot on”? What we feed our sons today, walks and talks tomorrow.
BILL PEET
Want to know more? A recently published book titled “The Manual – Getting Masculinity Right” by Al Stewart is an excellent read for fathers, (and mothers) wanting their sons (and daughters) to grow into mature, Christian young men and women.
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